... other way!!!

As I set out to explore this new day called today, I stretch out my hand to open the door.
I feel something is missing… I notice my wrists are bare.. I turn around . Stretch my arms out to pick my watch. As I do this, my brand new spectacles slip and fall down.. the glass shatters on the floor …I look at my watch.. and cant help smiling.. the watch which tempted me.. had gone dead… and stopped working a couple of hours back….

I try to understand why I had to turn around from the door .. and to let all of this happen within few seconds.. What if I had just gone away… but I made a choice…or at least I think it was me who made the choice…

But what hurts me more is.. I have done something wrong again…why couldn’t I be more careful… why am I not as smart as everyone else… then I listen to lines from this beautiful song

Let me in without a shout
Let me in i have a doubt
There are more many more
Many many many more like me

Akela nahin main ( I am not alone)
Khuli aankhon se neend mein chalta (who walks with their eyes open)
Girta zyada kam sambhalta (who fall more often than getting up)
Phir bhi na koi shaq na subha (still have not doubt or curiosity
Nikalega phir se suraj jo duba (the sun which has set, will rise again)
Hairat ho sabko aisa (everyone wonders…)
Ajuba hai mera jahan.. (astonishing as such.. is my world)

Open eye how i run
How i run to the other side
Then i glide like a bird
I just want to be..

Udne ko sau pankh diye hai (To fly, have been given 100 wings)
Chadhne ko Khula aasmaan (to climb, the open sky)
Mudne Ko Hai Karwat Karwat (to turn around twist and twist)
Aur badhne ko mera jahan.. (to move ahead, there is.. my world)

The song gave me hope, that i am not alone.. and urges me to move into this world with less fear ....

Everytime I used to do something wrong.. mostly I found people who would ask.. how is it possible that you land up doing stuff like this.. or sadly enough, they would. remark. “Oh, that’s you, AGAIN”

Today the same fear surrounds me… how would I be mocked today..

I wish I could not care…. Coz I see of all them stumbling as well..
Still they seem to get some sort of joy to make me feel like I am the only one who falters time and again..
The only difference being, they seem to act blind to their faults and fears and try to show me how they want to be seen.. They enjoy being cynical coz they say that’s how life treats us, we treat it the same way…

Its not that I don’t see beyond what is being shown.. Just that my empathetic behavior leads to me to ignore all of it.. and leaves me confused with my own tolerance..

They seemed to have lost hope in me… to be able to walk across to the other side..
But why do they have to tell me that… aint I better off without “that” knowledge as they think I am anyways drowning in my whirlpool of ignorance.

Do I need to be in “their world…”

Hmm… like Susanna says in the movie “Girl, Interrupted” to Lisa: –

“Maybe everyone out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is stupid, and ignorant. But I'd rather be in it. Id' rather be f****** in it, than down here with you. “

And I too made the choice to be in it… Why ? because even if they have lost hope in me.. I try really hard to not lose hope in myself……

All I want to do is….. to open my eyes and run.. run to the other side… at my own pace.. not just in a hope of reaching the other end.. (which I am going to anyways).. more than that.. of enjoying this ride..

Strangely as per mythology hope is worser than hopelessness...

Hope. Pandora brought the jar with the evils and opened it. It was the gods' gift to man, on the outside a beautiful, enticing gift, called the "lucky jar." Then all the evils, those lively, winged beings, flew out of it. Since that time, they roam around and do harm to men by day and night. One single evil had not yet slipped out of the jar. As Zeus had wished, Pandora slammed the top down and it remained inside. So now man has the lucky jar in his house forever and thinks the world of the treasure. It is at his service; he reaches for it when he fancies it. For he does not know that that jar which Pandora brought was the jar of evils, and he takes the remaining evil for the greatest worldly good--it is hope, for Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment.

And I am going to let this hope torment me as well.. coz… you know I wouldn't want it any other way...